Talk:Killing of Eric Garner

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notes on simplifying this page[change source]

complex words and phrases (need to be simplified, explained, or linked): resident, the New York City borough of Staten Island (just say Staten Island, New York City, like the enwiki article), concluded, approached, on suspicion of, indict

other notes:

  • If you're going to use an acronym like "NYPD", it needs to be spelled out the first time it's used. If it's only used once, then just spell it out and don't use the acronym.
  • The main issue the police had with Garner is that he was selling individual cigarettes, not just that he was selling cigarettes. You just say "selling cigarettes", which gives a wrong impression.
  • "One of the officers involved" is too vague. It sounds like they might be considering indicting others, or even that they did indict others, just not this particular one. Why is this particular officer significant?
  • Quite a few more terms in the article need to be linked. Find the significant terms and link them.

--Auntof6 (talk) 08:02, 1 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I've removed several complexes, linked one. Something else? Angela Maureen (talk) 15:12, 1 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Approaching someone on suspicion of something is not necessarily the same as going to arrest them for it.
You haven't explained why the grand jury was looking at Officer Pantaleo specifically.
I struck out the things above that have been taken care of. Look at the others to see other things that should be done. --Auntof6 (talk) 06:16, 3 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]
How could I explain why the grand jury was looking at Pantaleo? Furthermore, how can I take care of the other things in this article? Angela Maureen (talk) 17:05, 3 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Angela, I haven't forgotten about this. I've just been busy in real life lately. I will get back to you as soon as I can -- I don't want to give you just a quick answer. In the meantime, you don't need to leave messages on my talk page, because I am watching this page. --Auntof6 (talk) 05:48, 8 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]
OK. Adding that it was Pantaleo who dealt with Garner explains why the grand jury was looking at him. I did some editing myself on the other things, so I think it's better now.
I was just looking at one of the references and found something I missed earlier. You wrote that Garner died from the chokehold. The reference said that was just part of the reason he died. The enwiki article even says "partly as a result of the chokehold". When writing about events like this, it is very important to get the details right. If we don't, Wikipedia can be subject to legal action.
Any way, take a look at what I did and ask any questions you have. Please ask at least one question, because I don't want you to just accept what I did without understanding it. After that, we can probably move it back to mainspace. --Auntof6 (talk) 23:24, 9 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]
You changed repeated to said. Why? Angela Maureen (talk) 22:20, 12 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]
It's simpler. We're supposed to use the verb "to say" instead of other words like stated, claimed, etc. I also changed eleven to multiple. Some people use repeated in this context incorrectly, saying something like "He repeated 'Help me' eleven times" when they mean that the person said it eleven times. The first one isn't repeating. Since the source could be read as ambiguous, I removed the ambiguity. --Auntof6 (talk) 12:55, 14 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]
Alright. The Death of Eric Garner is ready to return to the mainspace. Angela Maureen (talk) 21:45, 12 May 2015 (UTC)[reply]