Talk:Oba Chandler

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PGA comments[change source]

There are many things that need to be fixed in the intro of the article:

  • Oba Chandler (born October 11, 1946) in Cincinnati, Ohio is a convicted murderer who is on death row in Florida for the murders of an Ohio woman and her two daughters. This is confusing, as it sounds like he was convicted in Ohio, and then convicted in Florida. Should be corrected to Oba Chandler was born October 11, 1946, in Cincinnati, Ohio... It would also be better if the sentence was split into two or more sentences to make it simpler.
  • The women had been bound and gagged and then tossed into the bay with concrete blocks tied to their necks while stile alive.[1] Shouldn't it be still?
  • Bound and gagged should be linked.
  • Billboards where at the later stages of the investigation used in trying to find however did the murders, the billboards that was spread all over Tampa had pictures of the Rogers women and a picture of the hand-writing of the thought triple murderer. The grammar needs to be fixed (however → whoever, billboards that was → billboards that were). It would also sound better if the sentence was simplified and split into several sentences.
  • Trial and jury should be linked.
  • Injection does not have a definition on wiktionary, but there is an article about it here. Should change the link so it links to the article here.
  • Incarcerated also does not have a definition on wiktionay. This word should be changed to something simpler, have the definition explained in parentheses, or should have the page created at wiktionary.
  • Union Correctional Institution, Thomas French, and Pulitzer prize should be linked.
  • Angels & Demons should be unlinked, as it currently links to a book written by Dan Brown.

That's it for the lead. Once these are fixed, I will move on to the rest of the article. Megan ( t/c ) 17:02, 30 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Reference number 14 doesn't work. —Classical Esthertalk 07:33, 1 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Simplification[change source]

The current readability scores are rather too high at present. I know we shouldn't rely too much on the tool, as it can sometimes be inaccurate, but all of the scores are over grade 9. While it's this complex, it might even be declined for DYK. There are lots of words that can be simplified. Here's several I've found in a quick scan:

informant, triple, gagged, identified, leap, media, contact, snaphots, volume, pouring, primary, conclusively, brochure, numerous, previously, abduct, disciplinary, denied

I'll do a more in-depth review when I can. Kindly, —Classical Esthertalk 07:44, 1 May 2010 (UTC)[reply]